A bad day

For those of you who do not know, Zach has been diagnosed as likely bipolar disorder rather than ADHD. He has been started on some antipsychotic meds to hopefully help calm his anger and rages and another medication classification that hopefully will lower his impulsivity and hyperactivity. The medication ideally will make it possible for him to work effectively with his therapist, something that is not particularly possible at this time due to his out of control state.

With that background, today is a bad day. Zach really has been doing quite well, with more even and stable mood. He has been redirectable and so forth. Today he had an explosion though. Right now he is in his room (having been carried there by me for hitting and screaming at his brother) for a time out to calm down. He has been screaming for a good 20 minutes at the top of his lungs, throwing things and just enraged. There is no possible way to get him into the hands on knees/deep breathing position we use, in conjunction with the advice of his therapist, for him to self calm. He was hysterical though so that obviously did not work. I moved him to his room for the safety of the rest of the family and he needs to stay there until calm. Blogging is my own self-calming method in a lot of ways. I am having such a hard time with this honestly. He continues to be more a "problem to deal with" than the joy a child should be. True, all children has their moments of causing their parents a lot of grief, but unfortunately that is his normal state and I am very frustrated. At this point, we basically cannot leave the house much with just me with the kids in case he explodes while we are out. My first issue has to be safety and I cannot provide him 1-1 safety measures and take care of Lily and Noah too if we are out. Zach has dashed across parking lots and streets before when enraged and hysterical, and I cannot take that risk.

His behavior also makes it extremely difficult to form and maintain any type of friendships for Noah or me. Honestly, what other parent would want to have to be around this type of child. He is my son, and I love him. Other parents don't have that love bond and choose usually not to want to be around us, leading to our essential isolation. I feel the sorriest for Noah. He in no way gets to enjoy the library toddler storytimes during the day, park outings and play dates his brother got. I wish I could provide those things, but circumstances do not allow it at this time.

I just continue to pray that some medication, therapy or just time and prayers will help Zach. We continue to struggle to do what is best for him (homeschooling, therapy, medications, scheduling, etc), but it is exhausting and I pray for strength to continue it day by day.